By Heather Woodford, Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Certified Sex Educator
This article is the second in a three-part series on navigating overlap between therapists and clients. For part 1 of this series, click here.
First things first – where are the therapists who will understand you? Great question!
It’s important to know the difference between a few terms: affirming, competent, and lived experience. Let’s use the kink community in the following example.
· A “kink affirming therapist” is one who strives not to be inclusive and nonjudgmental around a particular identity or experience a client may have.
· Whereas a “kink competent therapist” typically indicates that the therapist has some professional experience and/or training in working with folks who have this particular identity or experience. Note that “competent” is actually a professional term meaning that they are attesting to having done actual work to acquire this credibility.
· A “therapist with lived experience in kink” means that the therapist themself identifies as, or has practiced kink.
· These are certainly not the only terms a therapist may use to describe themself, as but they are some common ones.
So where does one look to find a therapist who will be more likely to understand and skillfully work with you around these aspects of your life? Well – you can certainly use Google or ChatGPT – but I would actually recommend using a therapist directory, as it will let you browse and compare information about various therapists.
If you’re in the Sacramento area, my colleague Kathryn Rabak and I have compiled this therapy and resource directory for folks who are any of the following: LGBTQIA2+, queer, transgender, polyamorous/nonmonogamous, kinky, and/or otherwise seeking a clinician who takes a non judgmental approach to topics relating to sexuality.
I recommend opening this link from a computer rather than a phone, as it is a Google spreadsheet and not very mobile friendly. Start with the first tab, as it helps you navigate the resource.
Here are a few other directories:
· Poly Friendly Professionals at https://www.polyfriendly.org
· Kink Aware Professionals at https://www.kapprofessionals.org/business-directory-2/
· AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists) directory at https://www.aasect.org/referral-directory
· Most mainstream therapist directories, such as Psychology Today and Therapy Den, have search and filters features, where you can indicate that you’re looking for a therapist who lists themself as kink-competent, polyamory-knowledgeable, etc. This is a fine way to search – but if this is a serious priority for you, I suggest trying one of the databases above first. It’s easy for any therapist to click a box on a more mainstream directory; but in my experience it’s much more likely you’ll find someone who’s more deeply competent on one of the specialized directories.
So… you’ve found a therapist who seems promising. Congrats!
But it’s a small community, and you worry you may run into them at the dungeon, the mixer, the munch… etc. Now what?
In general, there are a few different ways you might have an initial conversation with a therapist. Therapists in private practice typically offer a ‘consult call’ – a free 20ish minute phone or video conversation to see if you’re a good fit. Some health systems or online therapy platforms will employ a navigator or intake therapist you’ll talk to for your first conversation, who will then set you up with your ongoing therapist.
Either way, during your first conversation with your dedicated therapist, keep in mind that a therapist may be skilled and competent at their job, but you are still the expert on YOU! Feel free to ask any questions that will help you get a sense of whether they’ll be a good fit for you. It can be helpful to write down some questions about needs, style, approach, office and appointment logistics, etc. beforehand so you don’t get nervous and forget anything.
And when it comes to those of us in the kink, sex-positive, polyamorous or ethical nonmonogamy communities, there are some unique considerations. Here are some good questions to ask yourself – to prepare to connect with your therapist:
· How would I feel if I ran into my therapist in a casual, rather low-key event (such as a munch, a BBQ or a community fundraiser)? Would I feel weird - like I had to immediately leave? Would it ruin my experience, or have me feeling on-edge the whole time? Or do I think I’d be okay with it, as long as I worked out some guidelines for how to navigate that with my therapist in advance?
· Do I have a preference as to whether my therapist shares my identity, and/or has lived experience as a member of the community? Or do I feel ok working with someone who is affirming or competent, regardless of lived experience?
To be clear, therapists may have varying boundaries about answering these questions. And certainly our professional ethics guide us not to provide more information about ourselves than would be helpful for the client. But it’s definitely okay for you to at least ask if they feel comfortable sharing whether they identify similarly.
· Do I feel interested and willing to see someone via telehealth, or would I only like to see someone in person?
While not every therapist who advertises themself as “affirming” or “competent” in sex positive areas (kink, poly, nonmonogamy) is a part of the community themself, these ARE small worlds.
If you are willing to see someone via telehealth, you can broaden your search area to outside of your geographic region, by searching for someone who’s licensed in your state, but lives outside of your town/city.
Once you’ve thought all this through, I encourage you to have an up-front conversation about these boundaries. Here are some questions to ask a potential therapist:
· “It appears that we both [identify as kinky/attend this local polyamory meetup/go to the same queer bar, etc.]. How do you handle dual relationships, in terms of being a therapist in a small community (e.g. gay, kinky, or poly)?”
· “Would you feel comfortable with each of us letting the other know what events we regularly attend/community groups we belong to? And could we give each other a heads up if either of us will be attending something at which we may feel uncomfortable seeing one another?”
· “How do you typically deal with seeing clients out in the world - in a more ‘normie/vanilla’ space (i.e., the grocery store or the park)? What should we do if we run into each other at a more ‘spicy’ or intimate event (play party, dungeon, support group, etc.)?”
· “What are your boundaries and policies around encountering clients on social media? Can we share which platforms we are each on so we can figure out how to deal with that?”
A few more considerations:
Each therapist and client will have to have their own thoughtful conversations about their boundaries on that! (Therapists – don’t worry. Part 3 of this series will offer some thoughtful guidance for you!)
All this applies, if you start your polyamory/kink/ etc. journey after you’ve begun working with a therapist. You can check in about this periodically if things change for you.
Some kink or and sex positive spaces (such as privately hosted sex parties) will ask, as part of their RSVP process, whether you see a therapist, and if so, how you would like that to be handled if your therapist happens to RSVP to the same event. Since therapy ethics indicate that we should never disclose any identifying information about our clients, this information would only flow in one direction – from you, the client.
Hope this helps! Remember – you’re a WHOLE person, and you deserve quality therapy, AND a rich, fulfilling relational and social life!