By Heather Woodford, Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Certified Sex Educator
Part 1 : Introduction
A nod of recognition and a smile shared between a therapy intern and their client at a rented mansion, both dressed to the nines for a themed costume ball benefiting the community mental health agency where they meet weekly. At the same event, a hug and a brief chat between the same therapy intern and a different client. A pre-arranged agreement about what to do if a counselor and her client run into each other at a large street festival celebrating leather, BDSM, kink, and sexual freedom. A therapist quietly excusing himself after noticing a client in attendance at a sexuality discussion group. A debrief between a supervisor and her intern, after the supervisor unknowingly shared space with the intern’s client at a sex party. A therapist briefly friending a client on social media, adding them to private online groups for shared community support, then deleting the client from their social media.
All of these are real-life examples of ethical ways of handling sharing sex-positive community.
In the broadest sense, my group practice has always specialized in working with people who generally experience some form of “othering” around their gender or sexuality. Some folks come to my practice specifically to understand or integrate these aspects of themselves – but many others merely want a therapeutic space where they can be fully understood, while they work on other life challenges.
On the other side of the coin, helping professionals are often drawn toward working with people who have similar lived experiences to themselves. I am also polyamorous, queer and kink-adjacent. These are small communities. This means that I have a decade and a half of navigating how to be in shared community space with clients.
Sharing community space can be an enriching and joyful experience – and it can bring its complicated challenges.
In this three-part series, I’ll discuss some of the beauty and difficulty of navigating this shared space. In this first part, I will describe the issues. Part 2 will offer advice to current or potential clients about what you should be able to expect from a therapist in this area. And part 3 will provide guidance to therapists wanting to navigate with these seemingly conflicting roles.
This series is not a general discussion about therapeutic boundaries or appropriate behavior between therapists or clients. Much has been written about that, including this piece about the strange way the therapy profession carves out sexual boundary crossing as uniquely harmful. Instead, I want to address the ways therapists and clients can navigate the fact of sharing community within a world that sensationalizes sex.
First, let’s define our terms, and talk about whose experiences this may apply to. When I say “queer and sex positive community” – I mean anyone whose identity or experiences are stigmatized or marginalized based on their gender, orientation, or sexual / relational practices. I know that this term may not be an amazing fit for everyone, but that’s the umbrella term I’m using for the purposes of this article and for other resources I’ve created (more on that later). At the end of the article, I’ll list some of the specific populations this applies to.
When I say therapist, I mean a licensed or pre-licensed mental health professional who provides mental health services. This can include: psychologists, therapists, counselors, social workers, and psychiatrists.
Benefits of sharing community space and/or lived experience:
Both clients and therapists are whole people, and that includes having social, relational, community, spiritual, sexual, recreational, and other aspects of ourselves.
It can feel comforting to know that their clinician deeply understands the nuances of what it’s like to be part of a particular community or experience. This kind of understanding cannot be gleaned from a classroom or continuing education workshop.
When clinicians come from a place of lived experience, they may also be able to offer clients information about, or access to, resources another therapist could not.
Drawbacks:
There are a few dimensions to why sharing space within sex positive community can get thorny:
1. Privacy and openness
2. Stigma
3. Dual relationships
4. Duty toward clients (it’s not an “equal” relationship – but everyone in it is a whole person)
Privacy and openness
Think of privacy and openness as two extremes along a spectrum. We all have different preferences around how much we share with others – when, how, and with whom. This is just as true for both therapists as it is for everyone else! Imagine if your work colleague were to see you in your pajamas having a pillow fight with your friends. A pajama party pillow fight is not illegal, immoral, or inherently weird. But being witnessed in it may make you feel uncomfortable. You may fear it would change the other person’s perception of you. In a clinical sense, our clients are our “bosses” – in that we are usually paid (often by you!) - or even if we’re volunteers, the “job” of supporting your well-being is our primary concern! And on the other side of the coin, even though a therapist is not a “boss” or a “coworker,” they are a person you have a specific type of relationship with, and it’s okay not to want to share, or witness, that person in a realm outside of the workplace/therapy office.
That being said, some folks may not care – and may even find it funny or enjoyable to attend a pillow fight pajama party sleepover with their colleague or boss. Or they may even be comfortable dancing on a “pillow fight” float in a parade where anyone – including their boss – could see them. Okay, so my analogy is rapidly breaking down. But my point is – wherever individuals may fall along the spectrum of privacy to openness is morally neutral – and it’s okay if these preferences vary by context, or over time. But the bottom line is, everyone DOES get to decide what their own comfort levels and boundaries are! And the kindest, most ethical way to proceed is to communicate about and honor the boundaries of the person whose comfort level is closer to the privacy end of the spectrum.
Stigma
Unlike pillow fights, some of the practices and identities in the kinky, sex positive, and nonmonogamy realms actually are subject to stigma! Social norms, laws, financial systems and even child custody practices can disadvantage or even harm those of us who live and love outside of the monogamous, heterosexual, cisgender, vanilla, and otherwise “normal” ways of being.
Healthy kink, nonmonogamy and casual sex experiences are always informed by consent, meaning that everyone is participating of their own accord because they feel drawn to do so (not pressured or coerced). So there’s nothing immoral or any more dangerous about them than, say, organized sports – and certainly no more dangerous than joining the military. But unfortunately that doesn’t prevent hurtful and harmful stigma against our practices and communities.
So it makes sense that both clients and therapists may feel uncomfortable with each other knowing about, or directly witnessing them in these communal spaces. Again – it’s well known in sex positive spaces that kink, sex, and ethical nonmonogamy are morally neutral. But in a world where word of mouth, cellphone cameras, and social media can instantaneously change public opinion, it is understandable that a person may want to protect their reputation by keeping these aspects of their lives separate from their therapist or client. Unfortunately, not all therapists are competent or affirming in these arenas. But even if they are, it’s okay not to want to “fish off the same pier” as your therapist. You can keep these areas of your life separate. Similarly, a therapist may not want their clients to witness them in what can be emotionally or socially vulnerable experiences.
It’s okay to process your feelings about your kink experience on the therapy couch on Monday WITHOUT being tied up next to them at the dungeon on Saturday! While it should go without saying, I want to make sure that’s clear. 😊
Dual relationships
As therapists, we’re strongly cautioned against engaging in “dual relationships” with our clients. Basically this means that we should not have an additional relationship or connection with a client outside of the therapeutic relationship. It’s often left at that, with the imbedded assumption that a “dual relationship” always causes harm. I’ll say more about that in detail in Part 3 of this post – Advice for Therapists – but I actually don’t believe that all dual relationships are inherently harmful.
In short, however, it IS true that a therapist should avoid entering into an additional connection with a client, if there is a connection with the person that has the potential to get messy. Think: money, emotion, sexuality, power difference, etc. In the context of sex positive world, therapists and clients don’t date, have sex, do kink, or enter into family, friendship, employment, or financial relationships with each other.
Does this always mean you can’t attend a munch, a mixer, or even a casual community / social event if your therapist or client will be there? Well, as long as you’re steering clear of all the messy stuff, and you’re taking everyone’s privacy/openness and stigma concerns into account, I don’t think it necessarily needs to be entirely avoided. I’ll share some questions to consider and best practices in Parts 2 and 3 of this blog post.
Professional Duty
A good therapist will work to ensure that you feel empowered and comfortable in our office, but it’s not an entirely equal relationship. One example of this is that, while therapists may occasionally disclose some things about ourselves, this should only be done in support of the client’s well-being. I personally do not practice the “blank slate approach” – i.e., basically being interchangeable with a sympathetic wall or chat bot. I bring my SELF as a tool – but only sparingly and judiciously. Witnessing or learning/hearing too much about the therapist can undermine the client’s healing experience. A client should never have to hold space for a therapist’s story, pain, etc. And some types of sex positive community experiences – i.e., support groups where everyone shares detailed experiences, and obviously play parties – are rife with opportunities for the client to “witness too much” about their therapist.
That’s not to say that ALL sex positive spaces or events are “too much” in terms of shared space. I have, on several occasions, had check-in conversations with client about comfort levels around being in the same spaces – drag shows, fundraiser events for the agency where I provide therapy, Folsom Street Fair, etc. – but I am also judicious about which events and spaces I attend, vis a vis the likelihood of running into clients.
For purposes of my practice, the populations we work with include but are limited to:
- queer, transgender, nonbinary, lesbian, gay, pansexual, asexual spectrum, demisexual, or two-spirit people
- anyone questioning or struggling with their sexual orientation or gender identity
- sex workers
- survivors of sexual assault, rape, incest, childhood sexual assault, or sex trafficking
- kinky people, members of the BDSM community, people who have fetishes and/or are involved in power exchange relationships – including master/slave, dominant/submissive, or other similar relationships
- people practicing or considering exploring polyamory, swinging, open relationships, or any other form of non monogamy – sometimes called ethical nonmonogamy (ENM) or consensual nonmonogamy (CNM)